Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Read Only if You Love Me

I apologize in advance. This won't be a fun post. I just need a place to vent. Not in such a public place as Facebook of Twitter, but here. We're an intimate little group. You stop here to see how Abby and I are doing, to see pictures of Henry and to see what we're up to. I feel like you won't mind what I have to say and odds are you won't comment. It will be great!

Today I was reading a book at the pool, just a Christian fiction book, nothing inspirational or challenging. The character was telling God that he didn't like the way He was ruling the world. I broke out into tears. AT. THE. POOL!

I related so much to what the character said. I sat at the pool and railed against God and what was happening in my life. I got home and share with Stephen and railed a bit more against God and what was happening in my life. And you know what happened next? Our neighbors came and brought us a cake.

You see I was griping and complaining about church people. Why do they have to be so mean and ugly? Why is the place I need to go and worship full of people that are so ugly, spiteful, out for themselves, and rude? I was thinking that maybe we should just move away, get jobs and live lives like everyone else.

But all the time, I knew that God was patiently listening to me, bearing with me. Because in another part of my head I was listing all the ways God had blessed us in the last months.

The neighbors that brought the cake to us are members of the church we're attending. I could just hear God speaking to my heart saying," Julie, I love you. Can't you see?"

At the moment when I was railing against God, He was loving me and pulling me closer to Him. Isn't that just like Him?

I was thinking about other institutions that people treat the same as churches. People don't like churches because there are member that don't live the life being taught by the church. I thought about colleges. We don't hate the college because of the amount of students that drop out or flunk out. We cheer the college for the good it does, we neglect the bad. So, why can't we do that for churches? I don't know. My only thought is that churches are light, and evil doesn't like light. Isn't that what the Bible teaches?

Ok, so I'm through railing, and complaining. It seems my tears are still streaming down my cheeks, which means my heart still hurts. Oh, how I hate that part. But, I know my God is near and drawing me to Him. I really don't want to go to church tonight, but I know that that is where I'm supposed to be. So, I will put some makeup on this face and hope for the best! I know God will honor my presence and bless me. If I will just get out of the way!

Thanks for reading. Thanks for letting me vent. I'm better because of it. Well, maybe.

Julie

1 comments:

Lindsay said...

I found y'alls blog a while back via Kelly's Korner..I found it because I could relate to your sis, a working mom. Now I know God brought me here because you need some MAJOR prayers, sister! My dad is a minister. I vowed I would NEVER marry one. And I didn't! But.....now I work for a church. AM I AN IDIOT or WHAT?! LOL! But I get it, Julie. TOTALLY get it. Not your exact circumstance, but your feelings. I know so much about the people in our congregation..all their "dirt." And I get drug into stuff, like a nasty divorce just because I was a listening ear when my sister in christ told me she was having an affair. All I want is to not know any of this, just show up to church, be a happy little family & worship God, say hi to everyone and hug & smile then go home to my happy life. Instead, I have to deal with everyone's crap. So I know those feelings of "why are people so messed up & mean?!" But then I remember, this life isn't about me. It is not about what I can get out of it or how I can be happy and comfortable. It is about me loving and serving others and furthering God's kingdom. It is about people seeing Jesus in me. Being a minister or minister's wife or church employee really sucks sometimes. I get that. And I know how good it feels to vent. I know I can't help you...but God can. He knows what you need even better than you do. So, instead of trying to offer you some amazing words to help you, just know this...there is a girl down in East Texas who has never met you, but she's praying for you! :)