Wednesday, October 28, 2009

A man I hardly knew

A man I hardly knew died 13 years ago.

At his own hand. He didn't consult me. He didn't consult anyone.

He had known me since my birth. I had known him since I was 12.

We spent 7 weeks together in the 14 years I new him.

I loved him. I love him. I miss him.

He was my biological father. Because of him I have freckles, bigger hips than I would like, and strange looking feet. Because of him I have a family that I love and desire to be with, I have an insatiable appetite for books and I know about unconditional love. Because of him I grew up in a home full of love. I was taught God's love and I shared the last name of everyone in my home.

He left me devastated. But not nearly as devastated as he left his wife and two other children. Those that saw him daily. Those that talked to him everyday and saw his smiling face.
Their lives were changed forever.

My life was changed forever too.

A part of me is missing and always will be. I know what his thoughts were, I know how he was feeling. I read of his desperation and his feeling of not wanting to go on.

I suffered post-partum depression after I had Anna. It was awful. I didn't want to smile, I didn't want to go anywhere, talk to anyone. I didn't want to be friendly. I didn't want to go on.

I understand feeling like there is no hope. It is a terrible feeling. And one that must be addressed. It cannot be allowed to continue. I HAD to tell Stephen how I was feeling. I didn't think he could help, but I knew deep down that I needed to let him know how I was feeling. And you know what? He did help. And helped a lot!

Another thing that helped so much was this verse: Be careful that no one takes you captive through philosophy and empty deceit based on human tradition, based on the elemental forces of the world, and not based on Christ. Colossians 2:8

I can't tell you how that verse changed my life. Not only helping me fight through what was going on with me after I had Anna, but also helping me deal with Barry's death. God doesn't want us defeated. He wants us victorious!

I have lost two men that I loved to suicide. I know the hurt that it brings. I know the depth of pain that it leaves. But I also know that God doesn't want me to live in a cloud of despair and grief. His desire is for me to live victoriously through all life's circumstances. Good or bad.

If you are hurting today because of this kind of pain, please know that I am praying for you today and throughout the next week. My pain is so real today and will be this week. I will cry and I will want to just lay around and do nothing. But I am determined to go on! To live the best life this week!


kathy said...

You sure said it perfectly. What a void in our lives. He may not have been perfect but what love he had and gave when he could. You are the best of him for sure. I always called the freckles, love spots. and now all your kids have the love spots too. You are one strong young woman!!! I love you lots. He was proud of you and would be bursting with pride now.

Kelley said...

I will be thinking about you and praying for you.

Anonymous said...

I love you Julie!! You are in my prayers. You are special!


Jodi said...

awww....hugs for you my friend. Prayers for comfort and peace.